Edyn (The Essence Project Book 1) Page 30

  He slid his hand around to my hip, and then to the front of my jeans.

  "Jophiel, I can’t," I stammered.

  "Shh, I know. I won’t make you. I just have an idea. Will you trust me? You can stop me any time."

  His eyes were so different from how they had been when he first brought me here. I was certain they reflected my own. A touch of fear, nervousness, and confusion all swirled around in there. The coldness I’d come to expect from him had vanished.

  I bit my lip and closed my eyes before nodding. Slowly, he unfastened my jeans, and I felt them fall to the floor.

  Stop it right now!

  Get the Hell out of here!

  What on earth are you thinking?

  This is too much!

  He began to unhook his belt, and I took a step back, throwing my other arm across my body as if to shield myself.

  "Hey," he said gently. "I’m not getting naked. I just don’t want to get these all wet. They’re dry clean only."

  His pants hit the ground, but I wouldn’t let my eyes follow them. I knew he wasn’t totally naked, but it was damn close.

  "Give me your hand," he said.

  My spine went rigid. Fear crept its way through me as I wondered what the Hell he had in mind. The last thing I wanted to do was become trapped in the shower with him. Slowly, I let one of my hands fall to my side, and he seized the opportunity.

  He took it firmly in his and pulled me towards him. Then, he backed into the shower, the water ricocheting off of him, and hitting my body.

  I laughed nervously, and shook my head. "You’re dead serious, aren’t you?"

  "As a heart attack," he said with a cocky grin that was a completely new expression to cross his face, and yanked me into the shower with him.

  My feet slipped on the wet tile, and I fell against him. He caught me and laughed as water rained down all around us. I was still shaking, and I closed my eyes, letting the water run all over me. This was insane. Not just showering, partially clothed, but my God with Jophiel of all people. Well, not people, he didn’t exactly count since he was an angel, but what was I?

  "You’re still shaking," he said.

  I just nodded.

  "I promise I’m not going to hurt you," he said, his voice was completely different than what I was used to. It was so much softer.

  "How can I believe you after everything?"

  Jophiel hung his head and loosed a bitter breath. "I suppose you can’t. I'm sorry."

  I wasn't expecting that, and I wasn't sure which was more shocking, his honesty or his apology.

  My skin was turning red from the heat of the water, but it felt good. This was utterly ridiculous, but I couldn’t say it was quite as repulsive as I would've anticipated.

  "Thank you," I said and meant it. "I appreciate your honesty."

  He searched my face, his eyes full of hope. I must have shocked him in return. "There's something else, though," he said.

  "I’m scared," was all I could get out before the tears began to fall. I was sure he wouldn’t be able to tell them from the water, but somehow he could.

  "What are you scared of?"

  I couldn’t hold the words back. Maybe part of me owed him a truth for a truth. "I don’t have my Essence anymore."

  Dammit.

  So much for the plan of getting close to him first.

  He stiffened just a bit, and I could read the shock on his face. "What do you mean?"

  I hadn’t thought this far ahead. What would I tell him?

  "Ryker was dying."

  Stop.

  Don’t tell him anymore.

  "You took his Essence, and he was dying, so I gave him mine."

  Stop talking!

  "I couldn’t let him die without one. I couldn’t stand the thought of him not existing anymore."

  Stupid!

  You’re so stupid!

  Why would you tell him that?

  He pulled me close and held me tight against his chest as a vein popped in his neck. "We’ll get it back."

  "Please," I said.

  Time for damage control now, idiot.

  "Don’t hurt him. I love him, I do, but if you hurt him that would destroy me. I wouldn’t be able to even look at you if you hurt him. Promise me you won’t," I pleaded.

  At that moment while waiting for an answer, I sent a silent prayer to God to keep Ryker safe. I prayed that Jophiel wouldn’t hurt him.

  "If I promise not to hurt him, will you stay?" he asked, suppressing his anger. I could detect worry in his voice as well which wasn’t like him.

  At all.

  He really did somehow love me in his own twisted way.

  "Yes, just don’t hurt him. I can let him go, but not if you kill him." I lied as I slid my arms around him, trying to reassure him of my promise. As I did, I closed my eyes in disgust, but was able to mask that. I could feel every scar on his back, and when my hands reached his shoulder blades where the most severe damage was, it was as if I could feel the anguish of his lost wings through my fingertips.

  "Okay."

  My eyes shot open, and I pulled back to look at him. "Really?"

  "Really. I don’t want to cause you any more pain. You were right. Love without a choice isn’t love. So I’m giving you the choice."

  I didn’t know how to respond to that.

  He’d done such horrible things, but this was a completely new side of him

  This side seemed human.

  Part of him really actually cared.

  Maybe he wasn’t such a monster after all.

  23

  A fter we stepped out of the shower, I wrapped myself in a big fluffy towel and headed back to my room to change. I pulled on an oversized t-shirt and a pair of pink flannel shorts before hanging up my dripping bra and underwear to dry in my bathroom. Pulling a brush through my wet hair in front of the mirror, I thought how much I missed the red that I’d hidden when we ran. It was such a stupid thought at a time like this, but it felt like it was a part of my identity that was missing now.

  After my hair was somewhat dry, and tangle free, I climbed into bed. The bed was a massive king four poster canopy. It was truly the softest bed I’d ever slept in, and despite my captivity and the nightmares, I’d slept marginally decently lately. I hoped I wouldn’t have any nightmares tonight. A full uninterrupted night’s sleep would be nice for a change.

  Fat chance of that happening any time soon.

  Only a few minutes had passed, and I heard my door click open. I rolled over to see Jophiel in the doorway. He was still shirtless, barefoot, but had a plaid pair of pajama pants hanging low from his hips.

  "Hey," he said quietly. "Mind if I come in?"

  I shook my head and somehow he saw it in the darkness. Maybe I was glowing again, or he had super angel vision, I wasn't sure. Then I briefly remembered my Essence was gone so it must've been super angel vision.

  When he approached the bed, I scooted over to make room for him. I wasn’t sure why exactly I did that, but he took it as an invitation to climb under the covers.

  "I wanted to try something," he said, his voice low.

  "Joph," I started.

  He tilted his head. "You've never called me that before."

  I guess I hadn’t.

  "It's not what you're thinking. I hear you at night, you know," he said softly.

  "Really?" I felt my cheeks flushing, and hoped he wouldn’t see that. If he did, he didn’t let on.

  "Yes. I know you have nightmares. I knew it when you were here before, but I hear you every night now. I wanted to see if maybe I could make them go away. Maybe if I stayed, you wouldn’t have them?"

  Really?

  He just had one surprise after another lately.

  I thought it over for a moment. This was so absurd. The Jophiel I knew and the one before me were two totally different people— angels— whatever.

  "Okay," I whispered. If I let my walls down, or at least made it seem like I was to him, it could only help me. At any
rate, I didn’t know if I would be able to fall asleep yet, so I decided to see what information I could get out of him. "I have some questions first. What can you tell me about angels?"

  He smirked. "What would you like to know?"

  "Well," I said. "We kind of came to the conclusion that my Essence is in some way angelic. What do you know about that? Have you ever seen that before?"

  I could see him scrunching up his face, and I wondered if perhaps I shouldn’t have asked.

  "No, actually, I haven’t," he said. "It’s perplexing. I can’t deny your conclusion, I came to it myself in fact. I don’t understand it yet, though. There’s no question though that it’s angelic. It’s just so odd. I’ve never heard of a human being born with an angel’s soul. I mean, I’ve seen some extraordinary gifts that other people have because of their Essences, but none have been angelic. I was hoping, with your permission of course this time, to be able to study it some. I wouldn’t run any painful experiments or anything like that, but I would love to know what’s going on if we can get it back. Speaking of," he added, shame filling his eyes, "I’m sorry again for what I put you through. For all of it. I know you can never fully forgive me, but I hope one day you might be able to at least a tiny bit. When I really think about everything, I don't like who I’ve become."

  I wondered again who he was before he'd become the monster. Was he reverting back to that? His apology stirred up those feelings of confusion in my stomach again. Maybe this was part of what I was feeling towards him. Maybe it was forgiveness. "I think one day I’ll be able to. At least to a degree. I think I’m already starting to some. It’s not going to happen overnight, though."

  He laughed once, full of disbelief. "How can you possibly forgive me for all that I’ve done to you?"

  I thought for a moment. "When I was here before, you let me have Ryker’s bible and his journal. Before I met him, I had a very limited grasp of Jesus. I mean, I grew up in church and my mother was super religious, but nothing ever stuck with me until I met Ryker. I saw how God’s grace got him through things, so I started reading. Ephesians really stuck out to me and it said,‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ I think that was 4:32. I’ve just been thinking, if God can forgive all the things I’ve done, and can forgive all the things you’ve done, who am I not to?"

  "God doesn’t forgive His angels, though," he said sadly.

  I shook my head. "I don’t believe that for a second. I don’t think you necessarily get forgiven through Jesus when you’re an angel, who knows, maybe you do, but I still believe wholeheartedly if you ask Him to forgive you He will. He’s got too much love not to. I think since I’m at least part human that I’m forgiven through the blood of Jesus, but I doubt He would just turn his back on you like that."

  He stayed silent for a few minutes after that, and I found myself starting to drift off to sleep. "I hope you’re right," he whispered, and my heart broke for him.

  Maybe that was part of why he had been such a monster. Maybe he’d screwed up a few times and thought all was hopeless so he just kept going down that path. He pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around me. I fought the urge to tense up, but thought maybe he needed some form of comfort to soothe his own demons.

  The last thought I had before sleep claimed me was this:

  I hope I can save him.

  * * *

  That was the first night I’d had in a long time where I didn’t have any nightmares. I didn’t wake up once until morning. Stretching, I rolled over to an empty bed. My hand hit a sheet of paper on the pillow, and the memory of falling asleep in Jophiel’s arms came flooding back to me, filling me with confusion and conflicting emotions. I grabbed the note and turned on the lamp by the bed.

  Edyn,

  I’ve got some work to do early in the labs today. After breakfast, use the intercom to call for me. I have something for you. You’ll also find the bible and journal that you left behind on the table. I won’t pretend that I’m not jealous of Evans, but I know those books mean something to you.

  Jophiel

  This side of him was totally catching me off guard. He actually seemed like someone I could maybe one day care about. Not in a romantic sort of way of course, but at least as a friend.

  It was unnerving.

  I climbed out of bed and walked to the wardrobe. He had stocked it well, and there were plenty of soft t-shirts and dark jeans inside.

  My favorite.

  After I was dressed, I went out to our dining room for breakfast. Ryker’s journal and bible were sitting next to my empty plate. I ran a hand lovingly over both worn covers and thanked God that he hadn’t destroyed them.

  He’d had them bring me French toast this morning. I found it funny that he would have my favorite breakfast brought in not knowing what it was, but I was sure it was just a coincidence. It was still warm when I put the first bite in my mouth.

  As I ate, I wondered what he could have waiting for me. I was oddly eager to know what it was, so I hurried down a few more bites before buzzing him on the intercom.

  "I’ll be right there," he said, and I tried to read his tone but wasn’t able to.

  I shoved a few more mouthfuls of French toast into my mouth before he came striding through the door. He was fully clothed this time, looking sharp in a dark violet shirt and charcoal gray slacks. The color of his shirt made his green eyes vibrant.

  "Hey, you," he said and kissed me once on the cheek. "Come with me." He offered his hand, and I took it this time with minimal hesitation.

  We walked down to the labs hand in hand. The feeling of his skin against mine tore me up inside. I felt like I was betraying Ryker, but reminded myself I had to keep up the act. Soldiers and lab technicians nodded at us as we passed them. Jophiel stopped one doorway before the familiar one to the lab where they’d done all their experiments on me. I couldn’t help but feel apprehension at being so close to it. He still hadn’t said anything about the embryos so I knew I needed to ask him myself.

  I also needed to keep trying to figure out how the Hell to get out of here. I was coming up short in that department.

  He put his hand on a scanner to open the door. When we passed through, we entered a dimly lit room bathed in pale blue light. There were glass containers lining every wall, filled with what I recognized to be souls. In the middle of the room was a glass topped table with one glass container in the middle of it. There was a small charcoal grey light swirling inside. It was different than the others and had a smokey quality to it.

  "I don’t want you to be without your Essence," he said. "I know it will likely take time to get yours back, but in the meantime, I want you to have one. I don’t like the idea of you running around without one." He guided me over to the table in the middle of the room.

  "But why?" I asked.

  He met my gaze, and his eyes were clouded. "I know what it's like to lose my soul and that hollowness where it’s missing."

  Next to the bowl was a knife. Its handle was ornately carved out of what appeared to be ivory, and its blade was made out of gold. I thought that seemed like a weak metal to forge a weapon out of, and as if reading my thoughts, Jophiel spoke up.

  "It’s blessed gold, like the inaukri you’re wearing. I suppose we can take that off now since it’s useless without your Essence. I like the way it looks on you though," he said with a smile. Then he picked up the blade and sliced across his palm before using his blood to unlock the inaukri. He set the two pieces aside and gently took hold of my left arm. "Unfortunately we still haven’t developed an easier way to do this. I apologize for that. Blessed golden blades have the capability to transfer souls without the person being willing, although I'm sure you are in this case. They work off of the one wielding them, unlike regular knives."

  He pressed the golden blade down on my forearm and slid it across my skin. The sting took my breath away, but it managed to send endorphins dancing around my brai
n at the same time.

  "I’m sorry," he said. "And I’m sorry you won’t heal as quickly as you would otherwise with your Essence. I want this one to bring you some comfort, though. Consider it my gift to you."

  He picked up the glass container and reached in with the knife. I wondered how he would pick up something that had the substance of smoke, but the blade seemed to absorb it and took on the grey glow from the Essence. Blood ran down my arm, and he touched the wound with the tip of the illuminated knife. As it made contact with my blood, I could feel warmth spreading through my body. I watched the light fading from the angel blade and disappearing into my flesh. It invigorated me, feeling oh so much like home. Then Jophiel pressed some clean gauze over my arm and wrapped it.

  "Do you know who this one belonged to?" I asked. It was odd feeling someone else’s soul settling inside my body.

  He gave me a sad smile. "I do, and I chose this one specifically for you since it means so much to you. This soul belongs to Ryker Evans. We acquired quite a few from him, but this one was the one he was born with. It’s all him."

  My mouth fell open.

  Memories of Ryker came slamming back into me like a freight train. His face, his kiss, his touch. The way he protected me so fiercely and loved me even more. I could feel tears threatening to fall down my face, but I was too slow to wipe them away before a few escaped.

  "Thank you," I whispered, a stabbing pain in my chest.

  "There was one other thing I wanted to show you," he said and took my hand. As he did, he slid the angel blade into a sheath on his belt.

  We walked back into the hallway, and turned right. Two doors down, he used the scanner to gain access for us once again. When we walked into the room, there were five women sitting on medical tables. One of them was Kate. Several lab technicians attended them, and I could see them drawing blood from their arms.

  Jophiel gave my hand a squeeze. "These are your surrogates," he said. "Today they’re having their blood drawn to check their HCG levels and see if the embryo transfers were successful."