Edyn (The Essence Project Book 1) Read online

  Oh my God, what have I done?

  What have I done?

  Why didn’t I stop him?

  Panic was seizing me. When I looked back at Jophiel, he was just lowering the gun, mild shock in his eyes.

  "Now you’re a monster," he said quietly. "Just like me."

  * * *

  I spent a significant portion of the rest of my day feeling numb. My mother was dead, and it was my fault. The scenario kept playing over and over again in my head. My mother screaming for me, Jophiel pointing the gun at her, his face showing his disbelief that I wouldn’t intervene on her behalf.

  My fault. All my fault.

  I kept telling myself that she had made the decision for me when she called Jophiel to come and get me. His words kept echoing in my ears though. "Now you’re a monster, just like me."

  Is this what Ryker felt to some degree after a fight? Stella had told me that it hadn’t ever gotten any easier for him to deal with even after killing so many. Stella. The thought of her sent a sharp pain through my chest. She had loved Ryker almost as much as I did, and she not only did the one thing that he would hate her for forever if he’d known, but she’d gotten him killed. The dark part of me was glad that she had to live the rest of her life with that pain and guilt. She had so desperately, so selfishly wanted him all to herself, and in the end it was her hand that had prevented that.

  There was something cancerous inside of me now. It had started to take hold when Ryker had died, but with every passing day it had grown. Being responsible for my mother’s death had caused it to spread more rapidly. I couldn’t contain my thoughts anymore. The hatred was gnawing a hole in my soul, and rage fueled my every action. It was as if all the good parts of me were fading into oblivion. The best of me died with Ryker, and I was slowly realizing it. I was becoming the monster. I was becoming the monster, and I really didn’t care. Why should I?

  The next morning, I had decided I was going to stop eating again. Jophiel ignored that I had turned down breakfast, but after lunch, he had an IV ready and waiting. He wasn’t going to let me do that again, but this time I didn’t care. He could pump me with whatever he wanted to keep me alive. It didn’t matter anymore. I couldn't even find the will to try to escape.

  For several days, the routine was the same. I would ignore my breakfast, go to the labs, Kate would do another ultrasound and give me another hormone injection. At midday they would hook me up to an IV since I still refused to eat. In the afternoons I was left on my own in my room with nothing but Ryker’s bible, his journal, and my ever growing insanity to keep me company.

  On day six, everything started the same. Upon ultrasound however, Kate saw that I would be ready for egg retrieval the very next day.

  "How many?" I asked.

  She froze the image on the screen and counted. "Eight, maybe nine. Very responsive to treatment."

  My heart sank. Eight or nine babies. Eight or nine of my children that would be created to die.

  Perhaps it’s for the best though, since they’ll be half Jophiel.

  That afternoon in my room, I decided to argue with God.

  "Why? Why are You doing this? Why so many? It’s bad enough to go through this, but You couldn’t limit how many to make it less horrible? Do something!"

  In my anger and frustration, I threw the bible across the room. It landed and fell open. I sighed, my resolve weakening, and crossed the room to pick it back up. It had fallen open to the book of Isaiah. I glanced down and saw amidst the highlighter and scribbles, a highlighted passage with a box around it. "‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.’" Isaiah 29:11.

  I flopped back onto the bed in frustration. I had read about God’s perfect timing and how He worked everything out for our good, but how could this possibly be good? Could it be that Jophiel was right, and through this he would find the answer that could help Insentients everywhere? I didn’t want to think about him being right.

  I closed the bible and tossed it to the foot of my bed. My fingers were playing with the edge of Ryker’s journal, and I sighed. He probably would tell me I was being ridiculous if he knew what I was thinking. I pulled my legs up close to my chest and leaned against the wall, wincing slightly at my mostly healed leg as an ache shot through it. The journal flipped open on my thighs, and I thumbed through the pages to an entry near the end.

  How is this possible? She died. She’s gone. But she’s sleeping right next to me. God, thank You for giving her back to me. Thank You for showing me that I’m not crazy. If I am crazy, though, and this is all a dream, please don’t let me wake up. Let me stay in here with her forever. I just can’t believe it.

  Part of me wants to be angry for not knowing that she was alive all this time, but I think another part of me subconsciously knew she wasn’t really gone. I just hadn’t realized it yet. I should be angry that I lost out on twenty years with her. Twenty years. I can’t be angry about anything though now because all that matters is I have her back.

  I can’t thank You enough. Thank You, thank You, thank You.

  I leaned my head back against the cold wall and smiled, finding the memory in my head of waking up to see him writing in his journal looking truly happy. I scanned the next few entries, and paused on one in particular.

  I don’t know why the Hell they’re looking for her, but I’ll die before they take her. I’m not losing her again. God, please grant me the abilities to keep her safe. Also, whatever is going on with her, please don’t let it hurt her. I’m scared for her. She doesn’t know what it is, and I haven’t been able to come up with any answers as to why she glows. Seems like it might come in handy one day if we can figure out what it is and she can learn to channel it. It’s like I found my own personal superhero.

  I smiled at that last part, but my smile quickly turned to sadness. If only I’d been able to use whatever it was to save Ryker. I had failed him in that.

  I woke promptly the next morning when the lights came on. Rubbing my eyes, I could make out Jophiel standing in the doorway.

  "Today is a big day," he said. "Come."

  I no longer needed the wheelchair to get around, but I still walked with a heavy limp. The pain in my thigh wasn’t bad anymore though. We made our way to the labs, and Jophiel hadn’t bothered to handcuff me. I’m sure he thought I lacked the strength to try anything since I'd been on my hunger strike, and he was probably right. The IV’s energized me but still left me weakened. Nothing could replace real food.

  When we walked through the sliding doors, I saw right away that we had an audience. Several men and a woman all in suits were standing near the back of the room. The normal chairs that they strapped me to were also gone. In their place was a surgical table surrounded by machines and instruments.

  Jophiel put his hand on the small of my back to guide me, and I tried to skirt away from him. He placed his other hand on my upper arm and squeezed hard. I had to bite back a yelp. He pushed me over to the table, and as I sat down, I peered at him.

  "Who are they?" I asked, tilting my head in the direction of the others.

  "Congress members," he replied. "They push the funding for our research through Congress so they came to witness today’s extraction and see the government’s money at work."

  "Is one of them Congressman Tate?" I asked.

  He stared at me through narrowed eyes for a moment. "How do you know that?"

  I shrugged. "Lucky guess. If any good comes out of this I hope I can help his granddaughter."

  Jophiel bit his bottom lip, an uncharacteristic action for him. He didn’t like when I surprised him with anything. "Lie back," he said gently. "We’re going to put you under for this. It won’t be a long procedure, but we’re going to have to make a small incision."

  I gazed up at the ceiling and took a breath. Jophiel was doing something to my left, but I didn’t pay any attention. I felt something cold on my arm, followed by the prick o
f a needle.

  "Gentlemen," he said to the onlookers. "Madam, this shouldn’t take up much of your time." His voice was sounding farther and farther away.

  I was lying in the grass staring up at a blue sky. It was streaked with clouds and jet trails. Someone took my hand next to me and gave it a squeeze. I turned my head to see Ryker lying next to me. He wore a smile on his face, and his eyes were closed lazily. The day was warm, and there was a gentle breeze. I snuggled closer to him and heard him sighing. He lifted his arm, and I moved closer, laying my head on his chest. He held me tightly to him. I inhaled the smell of sandalwood and vanilla and let it fill me up.

  "I love you," he murmured. His voice wavered.

  "I love you too," I replied.

  I felt a twinge of pain in my abdomen, and I moved to look down. A small spot of blood was soaking through my shirt. When I lifted it, I saw a small incision. That was when I remembered the procedure that was taking place. I didn’t know that you could be aware of that while under anesthesia, but at this point nothing should’ve surprised me.

  "I miss you," I whisper, clinging to him. "I know this isn’t real, but I want it to last as long as possible."

  "The not-real-me misses you too," he said with that mischievous tone that I loved.

  His body was warm against mine, and I could hear his heartbeat under my ear.

  Please God just leave me here.

  Don’t wake me up.

  Let me stay with him, even if he’s not real.

  All too soon, I felt reality pulling me back.

  No, please.

  I begged to stay, but it didn’t change anything. I could hear Jophiel talking to someone nearby, but I refused to open my eyes. Clinging to the memory of Ryker, even though it wasn’t real, was all I could focus on.

  I felt a hand on the side of my face, and cracked open my eyes. The surgical lights above me were blinding, and it took me a moment to recognize Jophiel looking down at me.

  "It was a success," he said. "Nine retrievals. This will do a lot of good for our research, God willing." He walked away and said something to someone I couldn’t hear.

  I was still groggy when he came back, and my abdomen was sore from the procedure. He slid one hand under my head and another under my knees. Picking me up, he held me against him and started walking. I tried to look around, but couldn’t force my eyes to focus. He carried me in a different direction than my room, I thought, but it was hard to be sure as I tried to fight the fog in my head. I hadn’t noticed that Dirk was following just behind us, until we reached a closed door. He swiped his ID card and opened it for us. With a mock salute, he left us alone.

  I noticed quickly that we were in Jophiel’s office. He carried me over to the leather sofa where blankets were spread out. Gently, he laid me down on them. Turning, he crossed the room and grabbed one of the chairs that sat across from his desk. He brought it over and placed it near my head.

  "I don’t want to be your enemy," he said. "We could do so much good together. This, this project," he continued, "it could hold the key to solving all our problems. It could help us more fully understand the human soul versus an angelic soul, and how to create new ones. I don’t even know if you can really hear me right now," he said, leaning back in the chair.

  I turned my head to look at him and saw that he had a hand over his eyes. He seemed worn out.

  "I just want to go home," he said with a cracked voice. After a moment of silence, he looked down at me and saw me staring back at him. "I don’t want to have to hurt you," he said quietly. "But it’s all I know. I was Heaven’s best warrior. I’m trained to use pain to reach an end goal. I don’t know anything else. I just wish you would be a willing participant in this so I wouldn’t have to resort to that."

  It was the first time I had seen him truly vulnerable. A part of me felt sorry for him, hurt for him. I could feel the darkness that was swallowing me up from the inside start to recede just a fraction.

  He took my hand in his, and for once didn’t pull back. "I’ve never met anyone like you. You’ve got this fire inside of you that I’ve never seen before. A comrade told me not that long ago to be careful around humans. Oh Zakariah." He shook his head with a laugh. "How right you were. He told me that they would fill you with wonder and then teach you what it meant to love someone before you even knew what was happening. Angels aren’t supposed to fall for humans," he said. "But after spending enough time with humans, things change. We change. We become more human ourselves."

  I saw a look in his eyes that I hadn’t seen before. He did look more human. His eyes had softened and warmed.

  "You make me want to be better," he said.

  Ryker’s face flashed in my mind, and I pulled my hand away. No. No, this wasn’t happening. He wasn’t looking at me saying those things. I propped myself up on my hands, and tried to shrink away from him as much as possible.

  "No," I whispered.

  "No?" His eyes widened. "What do you mean no? You can’t tell me you don’t feel something."

  I shook my head. "I feel repulsion at the sight of you, some hatred even, but definitely not anything like love."

  Every feature on his face hardened, and he straightened up in his chair. "I see," he said, and relaxed again just a hair. "Maybe with time—"

  I cut him off. "There is nothing in this world that would ever make me fall in love with you. Nothing. You took the only one I’ve ever loved away from me. Do you think you can just walk in and replace that when you’re the one responsible?"

  Rage was smoldering in his eyes, and I wondered if they were mirroring my own. I felt sick at the thought of ever loving someone like him, and I doubled over. Ryker was the only one I would ever love; I knew that in my heart of hearts. I would never love anyone else.

  He stood and glared down at me. "So be it. I already told you all I know is how to force people to do my bidding. Perhaps this won’t be any different."

  A twisted laugh escaped my throat. "That’s not love! You can’t force someone to love you. No wonder angels fell. You don’t understand a thing. Maybe God kept you here to learn a little something from us."

  Before I could blink, his hand was tangled in my hair, and he was pulling me off the couch. I cried out when I hit the floor, and he dragged me back to the door. Whimpering the whole way, I tried to kick my feet out to gain some traction, but he was moving too fast. That incredible strength didn’t lend me a chance.

  The doors to the lab burst open, and he threw me to the ground when we reached the middle of the room. Someone had already brought my metal chair back inside. I tried to crawl away from him, but I was too weak.

  Jophiel marched over to a button on the wall and pressed it. "Dirk, bring him," he growled into the speaker. Then he turned and grabbed me by my hair again.

  I swung at him, but my fists did nothing to slow him down.

  He lifted me and shoved me into the cold metal chair. "Move, and I will end you," he grumbled.

  I had seen him look scary before, but this was downright terrifying. I was frozen, not daring to hardly breathe in case he followed through on his word. He turned away from me and ran a hand over his face. Then, he slammed the back of his hand into the table covered in surgical instruments to his left, sending it flying. He crossed the floor in two strides and picked the heart monitor up over his head before throwing it across the room. When the doors to the lab opened, he was still on his rampage. My eyes were transfixed on him, so I hardly noticed.

  "Sir," Dirk said, clearing his throat.

  That stopped Jophiel. He was panting and had a wild look in his eyes. When he saw Dirk, a maniacal grin spread across his face.

  I turned my head to see who Dirk had brought in just as Jophiel spoke, "I don’t think making you do anything will be a problem now."

  My body turned to ice, and my heart caught in my throat.

  He was standing supported between two soldiers with a bruised and bloody face.

  Ryker.

  19
r />   O h, my God.

  How was this possible? I saw him die. I saw him lying there. Or did I? We hadn’t exactly stayed long enough to follow up. He’d been the man I'd run into at the elevator when I tried to escape. I had been feet away from him and had no idea.

  I threw myself at the restraints holding me to the chair, and a scream ripped my throat apart. I felt something cracking in my wrist, and pain shot up my arm. Something wet trickled down my hands and I was vaguely aware that not only did I cut myself on the restraints, but I had fought so hard that I'd fractured something.

  "Let him go!" I screeched. "Ryker!"

  When he saw me, he started struggling against the soldiers holding him, but I could see that he was weak and the effort pained him.

  "Edyn!" he cried out. "My God, what have you done to her?"

  Jophiel grabbed one of the serrated knives that had fallen to the floor in his rampage and stormed across the room, right up to Ryker. He pressed the blade to his throat.

  I could see a drop of blood run down his neck.

  No, no, no I can’t handle losing him all over again.

  Panic was digging its claws into my stuttering heart.

  "Stop it!" I screamed.

  Then I felt it.

  I felt it building.

  The heat inside of me started making its way to the surface.

  I’d regained enough strength after all.

  My whole body began shaking, and it rattled the chair. Jophiel wasn’t looking at me though. He was focused on Ryker, every inch of him flooded with rage.

  Dirk noticed me, though.

  "Uhh, Joph," he said.

  "What?" Jophiel roared.

  Dirk didn’t say a word. He just pointed in my direction.

  When Jophiel wheeled around, I saw that his eyes were glowing.

  They were glowing just like mine.

  His face went slack as he stared at me, the light in his eyes flickering.

  I squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could and tried to gain control of this thing inside of me. I felt explosive. My breathing was ragged, and my whole body was trembling. It was haunting as I felt it building in the very core of my being. As it grew, my grip on it became weaker.